Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
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Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
me: eat this food
baby: never
me: the food is now an airplane
baby: “never” was a strong word
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.