@PrincessAlexx_

Have you guys ever seen any of my exes?

Exactly.

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@SondraDeeMe

I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.

@iwearaonesie

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

@DirtMcTurd

when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.

@SondraDeeMe

Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.

@Skullcat

When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.

@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

@TheNYAMProject

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

@luvmyADHD

When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.

@Mindless4Miles

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.