I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Have you guys ever seen any of my exes?
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me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
when someone pisses you off start counting down from 10. When you get to 8 punch them in the throat, they will never expect it.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
When a big account that doesn’t follow me stars me suddenly, I crouch down and stay still, hoping it will tiptoe up and eat from my hand.
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• 47 wise guys
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
When I die I really hope that as a ghost I can travel and not be stuck in one place. I have people to scare and some I want to see naked.
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.