Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
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Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
🙁
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
Fluff me with a fork baby
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady