Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.