Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Me: you feel like doing something?
Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill
Me: maybe after the killing then
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
please tell me the Barbie movie ends with Barbie and Ken walking away from a massive pink explosion in slow motion and Ken says “come on, Barbie, let’s go party”
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
me: grew the baby for 38 weeks, pushed the baby out of my body, spends 99% of my time with the baby
the baby all day long: DADA DADA DADA DADA
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that