Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
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It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Meowchelangelo
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.
Science.
BREAKING NEWS
Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015
Use it while you can, white girls
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro