@birbigs

Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?

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@TuffyNyC

I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.

@lecalabara

I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.

@bombsydoll

Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids

@flashember

Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop

@cuckoo_cachu

At this point, I’m positive I’ve read the entire Bible via Facebook status updates.
*crosses off bucket list*

@nyax6

Abraham: look here son, i got windows 98! Isaac: but dad, we don’t have enough memory? Abraham:Have faith, God will provide the RAM.