“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
wishing you and yours all the best
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
Distance doesn’t matter.
You can make someone miserable from anywhere.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.