“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

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just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you


Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*


[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?


Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…


What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop


Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!

Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*


I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.