@AllanForsyth

“Have you met my other half?”

– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.

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@50FirstTates

just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you

@cbdoubleu

Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.

Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?

*gets leg dropped*

@BoomBoomBetty

[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]

Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?

@Lynn_Coady

Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…

@ValeeGrrl

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

@AthenaMystique

Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!

Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*

@LeahKnauer

I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.