just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
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I’m leaving my body to science but only if they can find it.
Hulk Hogan: I struggled to overcome manic-depression.
Me [as his therapist]: So you could say you had to wrestle mania?
*gets leg dropped*
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
What I say:
Get in the car
What my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
I did not say your baby was ugly. I just asked what happened.
Coworker: Oh, look how beautiful! It’s snowing again!
Me: *stabs coworker with icicle*
I slept with this guy who works at Netflix, which was pretty cool because afterwards he recommended other guys I may also like sleeping with.