Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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If you don’t agree with someone’s religious beliefs, just dance really hard in front of them like they did in Footloose and they’ll absolutely change their minds
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
Just a bush.
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
So now they say Vaccinated People can Gather in Groups of 8 with No Issues but I don’t Know 8 People with No Issues.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Woman 1: you sure the left half is fine?
Woman 2: I honestly have no preference, really
Woman 1: cool ♥️ I’ll take the right, please
King Solomon: *sweating*
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
They say to “dress for the weather you want” so anyways I’m freezing today and metaphors are hard.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.