Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
What an awful time to have common sense.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
cry laughing at this shit
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Could you play us a song?
Cat Stevens: Maybe.
*Sets guitar on table*
Cat Stevens: *Maintains eye contact-slowly pushes guitar off table*