me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Lol.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*