Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
NOW HIRING: An employee
JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
I’ve never been addicted to drugs, but I imagine the urge is what my mother-in-law feels to rearrange my utensil drawer at my house.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
That’s not how days work.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.