“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
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I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
“I hope this email finds you well”
The email finding me
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.