[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
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All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
I held a ninjas anonymous group session today. I’m not sure if anyone showed up, but the coffee and donuts are all gone.
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.