Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
You Might Also Like
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
My whole life was a lie.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
A baby proofing service where I sic my toddler on your house so you can see exactly where you need to baby proof.
If you know, you know
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Someone just gave the agenda for the “third half” of our meeting. Guessing it won’t involve fractions.
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
*Boyfriend gets in bed*
Him: Wanna fool around?
Me: *Doesn’t hear him because I’m tipping the cheetos bag directly into my mouth*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.