Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
They’re not wrong
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
4yo: mommy, can you make me popcorn when you are done sitting?
Me: {gets into a more comfortable position} sureee!