@MoistPork

Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

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@JPLFR80

The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.

@ClichedOut

I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.

@KimMonte10

My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram

@IamJackBoot

Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.

@fro_vo

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

@ibid78

Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.

@isabelzawtun

Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED