Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Donald Trump always looks like he’s just opened a really hot oven.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Finally, an explanation.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
I was going through an old keepsakes box of mine and found a 4 colored pen. I asked my 6 year old if she’d like to have the cool pen I used when I was a kid. Her eyes lit up, then I gave it to her and she frowned. “Oh, I thought it was going to be one of those feathers,” she said
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”