The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Ur hot plz marry me.
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO
Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED