Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.

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The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.


I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.

Yeah. Offer delivery.


My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram


Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.


BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job


Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*


Do I have friends? Are we allowed to count the enemies of my enemies? Then yes, I have a bunch of friends.


Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED