Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
This day in history. 1950. The FBI put out its first 10 Most Wanted list and my dad lost a bet because only 2 of the guys were his brothers.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
ME: *reading my tweets aloud*
HER: *spits coffee out*
ME: Aww was it that funny?
HER: No, I just hate coffee.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
For sale: $300 King size mattress & box spring, 6 mo old, Never had sex on it, not even once. IDK ask her.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.