@stevevsninjas

Have yourself a merry little Christmas.
*sees several cars pull up to neighbor”s house*
No, littler.

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@Browtweaten

karate teacher: shatter that board

me: *holding it up to my face* your whole family died here and I watched

teacher: not like that

board: *crying* yeah not like that

@pinupteacher

My mom pops out from under the table while I’m on a date.

She’s always been a good eater. You see her hips? Good hips. Stand up, show him-

@infinitesimull

Please insert your card
Do not remove card
Do not remove card
Do not re–
REMOVE CARD NOW! REMOVE IT NOW! OH MY GOD ARE YOU CRAZY GET IT OU

@JimGaffigan

I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.

@NikaLomazzo

Can’t believe we were supposed to think it was a character flaw that Katherine Heigl was a bridesmaid 27 times in 27 Dresses. She was POPULAR!

@mrjohntofu

Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?

– everyone

@loudmouth_usa

Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito

@notacroc

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

@TheSolemnTom

English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.

Keith: That’s not true.

English Language: Don’t make it weird.

Keith: But you just..

English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol

@SteveHuff

People are so wary of technology still. I grew up living directly under high power lines & only have 1 sentient mole that orders me to kill.