Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
[getting dating advice from my dad]
Just be yourself and don’t do anything stupid
“Well which one is it?”
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.