wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
You Might Also Like
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
dictator is short for richard potato
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
[doing a sexy skype chat]
GF: show me urs & I’ll show u mine
ME: mmm baby I can’t wait
*we both lower our cams to show each other our dogs*
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
“Yes mam that’ll be $1200”
“Just to remove a cassette tape that’s stuck?”
“Ma’m, it’s in your CD player”
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
My husband and I don’t keep score. Mostly because neither of us have that kind of memory capacity.
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:
Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.