Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

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Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.


My mom always said that I’d never find a man dumb enough to marry me.

Well, I showed her…


My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.


Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.


On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.


That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.


My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.


WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her


One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.