@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

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@FredTaming

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

@3sunzzz

Tip from my mom:

Always wear your bathrobe when at home.

Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.

@BeardedRambles

There’s either a cat with a lampshade on its head here or I’m really drunk.

@ClichedOut

her: i’m breaking up with u

me: we can work this out Linda

her: it’s Lydia

@Dunn_Right

Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOA

Hold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying

@ClareCoffey

How To Talk To A Woman Wearing Headphones

1. Create a podcast

@TuSoonShakur

“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”

~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”

@SuperTeeWhy

[Bar]
“Two long necks please”

Giraffe in the back: Wow. Did he just-

Giraffe’s wife: Cliff, he didn’t mean anything by it please sit down