Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
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The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
having children is a pyramid scheme.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo