@mintchevette

Haven’t heard from my boyfriend in 3 days. Trying to start a prayer chain. He blocked me after I set up a wedding website so please RT.

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@Social_Mime

Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.

We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.

@saucy_peaches

My mom always said that I’d never find a man dumb enough to marry me.

Well, I showed her…

@DurtMcHurtt

My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.

@Social_Mime

Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.

@TennisShoeBoi

On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.

@melibuff

That’s shocking!! Hold on.

*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*

Ok. Go on.

@JohnLyonTweets

My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.

@dafloydsta

WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her

@shesananteater

One day my GPS is gonna say, “You should know this one by now” and shut off.