ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
COW: amateur
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
iPhone X
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Contrary to what you might have heard, running away solves absolutely everything.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it