When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
You Might Also Like
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The Walking Dead is my favourite Easter show.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Studies show women find food emotionally comforting.
Please send chickpeas.
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
No regrets in 2018
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
My late grandpa may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
i choose….tongue
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
I have many caverns