Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
You Might Also Like
I thought stacking Oreos and displaying them in a decorative jar was a great idea, but I’m just eating them instead.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
Damn, I just realized that my employees do their jobs in order to get paid, and not out of any sense of family or loyalty to the company. Has anyone else heard of this phenomenon??
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[mind reader club]
speaker:
audience:
speaker:
audience: *clapping*
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
All my evil plans start with someone slipping on a meticulously placed banana peel.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
My 18 year-old was complaining about her job so I told her it’ll be ok she only has 47 years left.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*