@Grommit56

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

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@AristotlesNZ

Him: Ha! I got your ATM card.
Me: So? You’ll never guess my PIN.
Him: Is it 6969?
Me:..
Him:.
Me:..
Him:.
Me: Seriously dude, give it back.

@Kyle_Lippert

NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?

@o__0Dev

As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.

@IamJackBoot

Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.

@pattymo

*cocks shotgun* I asked you a question: in order to ride a pug would you rather be shrunk to its size or have it grown to your size

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@slimmy_shady

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?

@EllaZee5

‘I want to gossip but professionally.’

– news anchors

@Darlainky

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

@theroyaltramp

I don’t think the therapist is supposed to say “wow,” that many times in your first session but here we are.