[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
To keep people on their toes, when offered food at an event, I ask “Are there bees in this?”
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
My right eye has been twitching for over a week! Know what that means, someone’s been thinking of me so much they’re giving me a stroke!
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.