Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
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him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[dog park]
Dog: omg I just found out I’m adopted
Other Dogs: [barking in shock]
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”