[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

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I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.


Me: Can I please sleep?

Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.

Me: But I hate that song!

Brain: I don’t give a shit!

Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5…


If you also bump into furniture and apologize to it, you can be in our secret society.


“Don’t kid yourself.” – birth control


Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it


I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.


The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.


India’s tiger population is up 30%!


If at first you don’t like the beard on your face, don’t worry; it will eventually grow on you.