Cop 1: Where did you come from?
Cop 2: Where did you go?
Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos
me: do you have any tattoos?
me: so you won’t be in hell?
me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
ME: into a semi truck
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?