@EndhooS

[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain

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@Shot_Of_Cabo

Cop 1: Where did you come from?

Cop 2: Where did you go?

Cotton Eyed Joe: I want a lawyer.

@BrokenDollMcGee

random kid: you are going to hell because Jesus doesn’t like tattoos

me: do you have any tattoos?

kid: nope

me: so you won’t be in hell?

kid: nope

me: *thinks for a moment* okay. I’m good then

@Halbeerz

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

@gengen874

Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.

@TheGoodGodAbove

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

@MrGeorgeWallace

Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.

@NikiWithIssues

A cool fun way to stop his snoring so you can finally get some sleep is to separate the head from the body.

@clichedout

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck