[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
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[Invention of the universal remote]
“This changes everything.”
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.