Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My five year plan is a meteorite
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
That eye roll….
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
I’m not sure which is worse:
People who force their religion on you…
Or
Anyone who’s ever said “Oh it’s because I’m a Virgo.”