Willpower? Sure. It’s in the garage with my unicorn.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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My kids saw a painting of Jesus & both thought it was Bob Marley.
Clearly, I’m going to hell. My kids don’t know what Bob Marley looks like
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Guy on plane : So, where are you going to?
Me : I’m guessing it’s the same place you’re going.
Nerdy trick. Impress your friends by taking cube roots in your head
Step 1: memorise the following:
Step 2: get a friend to take a calculator and enter a 2 digit number and then cube that number and tell you the answer
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend