Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
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This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Perfume is designed to be an invisible accessory.
It’s not designed to instantly kill the canary when you entered the room.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
I have some cake and now I’m eating it too. Not seeing the problem here.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
1st date
She: I enjoy long walks on the beach.
Me: *nod knowingly* Because you want to lose weight.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.