[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
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People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
very niche meme I made
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
I bought a round area rug from IKEA, and these instructions not only saved me hours of confusion, they really helped me plan my weekend
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
*Flat-Earther discussing laying the foundations to his new house*
Building contractor: It’s going to take a few weeks to get the ground level.
Flat-Earther: *eyes narrow*
Well well well…
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.