Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
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Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
CBS: “Tom Petty is dead.”
Tom Petty: “Don’t do me like that.”
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Payday
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
Sniffing the broccoli
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.