Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.

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If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.


I told mom that my electric bill was only $22 last month and she said “Seems right for someone who sits in the dark and drinks alone every night.” Would someone please tell her to stop owning me, I’m her daughter for God’s sake.


The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one


I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.


Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live

Me: is there anything you can do?

Doctor: I can juggle

Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that

Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks


I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.


I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.

“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”


sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers


Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.


god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no