Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
You Might Also Like
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
people ask “how could anyone write something as crazy as Alice in Wonderland” but then you read about the Victorians and the air was perfumed with opium, there was arsenic in the walls, you could get mercury poisoning from a hat.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
He: did you burn dinner again?
Me: it’s a Flambé.
He: it’s mac and cheese
Me: it’s French mac and cheese!!
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter