Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.

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[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*


What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space


[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]


I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.


Preparing a work evaluation for someone who adds shit to my day on a regular.

Wondering if “inbred whackadoodle” paints a full picture.


“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers


Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?

Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.


Dr: He has a lot of blockage

“So my Dad has a bad heart?”

Dr: He also donates to charity

“So he has a good heart?”

Dr: Ya, it evens out


One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.