Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
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me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.