[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
*still doesn’t understand when or why asterisks started indicating action*
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
me: (11 pm) 😴
me: (1 am) 😴
me: (3 am) 😴
me: (5 am) 😴
me: (7 am) 😳DAMN! I forgot to move the elf, again!
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”