Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
You Might Also Like
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
[Date]
Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat
Her: thanks! i’ll have a mai tai
Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
A Tinder style app that helps parents find other parents to drink with
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
Smells like a challenge to me
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Happy thanksgiving
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
Time for evil
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again