@DBMaxP

Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

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@roastmalone_

I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is

@JennSlowpez

I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.

@tastefactory

I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”

@Reverend_Scott

Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.

@Horse_ebooks

Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date

@huntigula

How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”

@lovejulieacafe

*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”