Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip

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I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is


I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.


I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”


Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.


Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date


How much for the sentient racist skeleton?

“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”


*Speed Dating*

Him: Do you have any hobbies?

Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*