I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
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I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
“y2k” making us anxious
“k” making us anxious
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*