[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
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I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: I don’t know…this one has a great turning radius but the other one just looks better.
Husband: For God’s sake, just grab the next available shopping cart!
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Roses are red, my real name is Dave. This poem makes no sense, microwave.
I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
Husband: I love everything about you.
Me: Even my toe hair?
H: What toe hair?
Me: *tears up* That’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever said to me.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
Me: I wish I had a nickname.
Coworker: You do.