@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.

@POOPSCRUFFIN4U

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

@Anon_imosity

[walks into bookstore]

Me: do you have any books on turtles?

Worker: Hard back?

Me: Yeah, with little heads.

@shawnspree

Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space
Squiggly line squiggly line space

~me reading Arabic DM

@stodghill10

what happens when you put nutella on salmon

u get salmonella

haha haha

someone d8 me plz

@WhaJoTalkinBout

waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?

me: no no I’ve eaten food before

@ArfMeasures

SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?