@bourgeoisalien

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

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@Bratterina

*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo

@cowboyjeffkent

Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .

@causticbob

Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.

@Arroia

I have failed math eleventeen times or so.

@sonictyrant

Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?

@KimJongSean

The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed

@NotMarkAllen

I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.