Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

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*puts on cloak of invisibility, whooshes past ex, flipping him off

“Jenna, that’s a hoodie, I can see you”

*makes a ghost voice: NoOoOoOo


Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot

Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .


Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.


I have failed math eleventeen times or so.


Her: 5 golden rings, 4 calling birds, 3 french hens, 2 turtle doves, and a partridge in a pear tree

Me: yes, that’s right

Her: ok, do u want any ranch or honey mustard?


The thought of having my own kids is scary because anyone who’s half me and half someone dumb enough to have sex with me is doomed


I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.