Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

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Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.


To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me


Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?


*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”


Husband: How was your day?

Me: We’re all mad here.

Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?

Me: Off with their heads!!!

Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?

Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.

Husband: I’m on my way home.


– do u like green eggs & ham?
– i do not like them, sam i am
– but why?
– animal agriculture leads to global warming sam read a goddamn book


My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.

So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.


Vaccines don’t kill children.
Anakin Skywalker kills children.