@BatBatshitcrazy

Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

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@ceejoyner

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

@KimmyMonte

{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone

@ericsshadow

Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.

@KKAlThani

My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be

@CornOnTheGoblin

Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up

@krustythe_klown

I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s

@BradBroaddus

My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.

@FemmeEnFeu

A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.