Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
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Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.