Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything

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Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.


{first date}

Him: I’m 100% Italian.

*trying to impress him*

Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone


Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.


My best exit strategy: 1)Play my ring tone 2)Excuse myself 3)Yell “OMG! I’m on my way now!” & tell them my brother had a bad car accident.


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be


Hello everyone this is your pilot speaking. If u look out the windows on your left youll see some fish. This is the worst Ive ever messed up


I’m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with me when I get Alzheimer’s


My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.

One arm at a time.


A woman sold her bathwater for $50 a bottle and I’m absolutely disgusted because mine are only selling for $30.