Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
You Might Also Like
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Happy Thanksgiving
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.