Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
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asking santa clause for nudes
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
If I ran a swamp tour in Florida there’d be a lot of people that wouldn’t make it back to the boat launch.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
Me: Someone finally made a documentary about clocks
Friend: Please don’t, please
Me: It’s about time
Ex-Friend: I’ve had it
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
[Swims out to Sea]
*sees shark*
OH NO!
*dolphins save me*
Thanks dolphins!
*dolphins ask for a tip
[I’m broke]
*they return me to the shark*
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
My neighbors were up shouting all night. I could barely hear my bagpipes.
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
I don’t like when they use “late” to describe a deceased person. It’s like give a guy a break on his attendance, he’s dead.
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.