Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
You Might Also Like
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
“Wish You Were Beer!”
Wait…no…that’s right…send.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
and now we wait
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Robin: “Clowns to the left of me, Joker’s to the right. Here I am, stuck in the middle with you.”
Batman: “Shut up.”
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
All frogs are automatically my friends, I’m sorry I just can’t imagine a situation where a frog is unworthy of my eternal devotion
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.