Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.
“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”
*finishes six pack*
the discourse is thriving
Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?
Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup