@Babasnookie

Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.

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@rickkondell

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

@daemonic3

“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”

— Centipede parents

@doktorj

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

@UncleDuke1969

Buying my parents’ house.

Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…

I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.

@IrishVin

I love walking down the street smiling to myself. It really freaks people out. Especially if my trousers are round my ankles.

@Mindless4Miles

“This is literally the worst beer I’ve ever tasted.”

*finishes six pack*

@VisionBored1

Husband: wow you’re eating a lot of pickles lately but I guess it’s better than junk right?

Me, having replaced the brine with vodka a week ago: totally

@notacroc

[first day as a director]

me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup