Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
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My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
*proposes to girlfriend, accidentally dropping the ring in the ocean*
“I’ll still marry you”
No. I’m married to the sea now
*dives in*
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.