[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
Me: It’s a beautiful night
Him: What?
Me: It’s a BEAUTIFUL night
Him: What?
Me: *opens trunk* I SAID, IT’S A BEAUTIFUL NIGHT!
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Important reminders