having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
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My daughter was ‘graded’ 7/10 and 14/10 in her homework (just to color some objects) last week and 2weeks ago so I wrote in her correspondence book that 14/10 was an error.
School replied “Tara’s Mum, those were dates. We do not grade toddlers.”
I am embarrassed for myself.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
a god among men
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I bet you’re wondering why I pulled you over
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
I was doing a family shoot and asked the kid (8) to step out the frame so we could get a shot of the parents kissing. The dad is kissing the mom and the kid goes ‘it’s been a long time since I’ve seen them do that’
my kid had a horrible coughing fit in the middle of the night. Too young for cough medicine, the internet suggested a lollipop. 30 min later, he was still coughing so I’m still trying to find solutions when he declines and says, “I’m just waiting for the lollipop to kick in”
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?