*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
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i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
I’m never not disappointed when a woman says she’s going through “the change” and doesn’t become a transformer
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.