Having a terrible night with my date and her husband

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“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child


Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.


A man who calls himself “Dog the Bounty Hunter” is currently hunting down a man named “War Machine”. We all live inside a comic book now.


The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”


I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.


My worst case scenarios:

•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.


Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.


Apparently UFC is not Ultimate Fried Chicken and now I’m even hungrier watching huge greased up men touch each other inappropriately.


Everyone: If you keep listening to your music so loudly you’ll be deaf by the time you’re 20

Me: What


*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.