Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
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Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
WAITER: room for dessert?
ME: no thanks, we’ll just eat it right here
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
sry
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
so u have kids?
yes a bunch of them
that’s great, any hobbies?
I don’t understand the question
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
live, laugh, laundry.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.