@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

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@JenniferJokes

Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re

@karanbirtinna

I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.

@SequelsWeWant

The Hobbit 4:

Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff

Bilbo puts on his ring

One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances

@heatherlou_

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.

@Faux_Ma

My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.

@billcheek26

I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.

@XplodingUnicorn

3-year-old: I need a scarf.

Me: No, you don’t.

3: To tie up bad guys.

She needs a scarf.

@BuckyIsotope

November
Echo
Victor
Echo
Romeo
Golf
Oscar
November
November
Alfa
Golf
India
Victor
Echo
Yankee
Oscar
Uniform
Uniform
Papa

@KrunkedRobot

If you think the USA can shoot down nuclear missiles fired by North Korea just remember we couldn’t even have lights at the Super Bowl.