@WarrenHolstein

Having a traditional Columbus Day. Headed to a casino to hand out blankets with smallpox on them.

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@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

@KKAlThani

Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.

@drinksmcgee

Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.

@geo_teira

[at a restaurant]
Me: uhm. This plate is broken and the food is all spread out.
Waiter: yes ma’am, that’s the continental drift breakfast.

@CastAwayKristen

“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”

Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.

@Browtweaten

*After roommate performs a summoning spell*

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me:

Roommate:

Me: So does he just live here now?

Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites

@iamspacegirl

[watching our kid play at the park]

ME: awww, he got your anxiety with strangers
HIM: and look, your irrational fear of birds!

[we smile]

@murrman5

[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap

@Coolisiana

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years