Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
You Might Also Like
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
Mess with your coworkers by walking up behind them and whispering in their ear, “strike two”
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?
Me: I don’t know.
5-year-old:
Me:
5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.