Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
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Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
My grade school was so tough when we picked teams for dodgeball you had to be sure to get at least one kid with 1st aid training
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
My daughter just asked for nunchucks for her 12th birthday. Have to say, I’m 50% proud, 30% amused and 100% terrified.
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.
I just learned the professional way to say “I told you so”:
“This was identified early on as a likely outcome.”
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*