Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
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Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My supervisor said I’m worth my weight in gold so I’m eating these donuts to increase my value.
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
She said she wanted to bump uglies. So, naturally, I got all showered & freshened up and then I rammed my Ford Pinto into her Honda Element.
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”