Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
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I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Mind: I still feel like a 20 year old…
Body: LOL.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
I came this close!!!!